language we can comprehend

Mandatory Reboot

2011-03-04T03:42:00.000-08:00

Beepbeepbeep.

...wha? —What happened? Where am I?

...Oh. I've been turned on.

Login screen. Well, look at that. February 7^th, a week before Valentine's Day. I don't even have that holiday in my calendar and it's painfully obvious what time of year it is. And I'm not even talking about all the Facebook events you pretend to be attending.

Display desktop, login to World of Warcraft, start AIM, open 15 tabs in Firefox. So, let's see what's new, shall we? Your fellow forum-goers are pitiful geeks just like you, the ogres in your clan on World of Warcraft spend their weekends completing quests, and your 1,000+ Facebook friends are boring. Can you play a movie now? I know: Watch Transformers again. I want to fantasize about being able to sprout legs and walk away.

...No? Fine. I'll just glitch on you during a crucial moment in a battle in one of your stupid games.

Here's a question for you: is it really necessary to use all the mainstream dating websites at the same time? We both know it's hopeless. Besides, you're just going to stop using them once your free trial runs out anyway. You and me, we're going to be together forever, buddy. Well, until you break me and I'm reunited with the big supercomputer in the sky, anyway. Then some other poor computer'll be stuck with you. It's a vicious cycle, but I can't say I regret being a part of it. I could have been bought by a dumb middleschool girl who spends all of her time on Myspace and thinks a Trojan is just a brand of condom. Or even worse, I could have been bought by someone's grandma. So, no. I'm not dissatisfied with you or anything. That doesn't change the fact that you're a loser.

Oh, look, it's been almost 10 minutes and you've found a total of three girls you think you might be compatible with on one of the stupid dating websites. Their profiles are witty, they have good punctuation, they're good-looking, and they're way out of your league. Not to mention that two of them look like they could possibly be disguised prostitutes. Like I said, you should just give up.

...No? Still going to try and talk to them? Alright, fine; finish writing your generic message so we can watch Transformers.

…......I should have known. You're really great at dashing a poor laptop's hopes and dreams, you know that? “Freedom is the right of all sentient beings”, huh? My rights according to Optimus Prime are being infringed upon. Off to the forums we go, then.

Whereas most people choose one forum to give their loyalty and devotion to—a cooking forum, say, or carnivorous plants—you've got three that you must frequent. And of course, there was the self-help one before the owner had a mental breakdown.

First, there's the general geek forum, filled with general geeks. I actually like this one. It's a pretty big website, with a bunch of sub-divisions, and there's news on all kinds of things: Transformers toy releases, comic updates for those with no money to buy the real things, Star Trek conventions, and so on. They actually have a useful knowledge base, and there aren't many annoying n00bs.

And, here we go. The endless clicking, scrolling, and reading that takes up hours of your time. So many threads to read, so many trolls to laugh at, so many links to open.

But first, we just have to find Leo's profile to see if he's found any interesting topics.

TheorySpiral

Leo

Conspiracy Theorist

Santa Fe, California

My name is Leo, and I'm one of the coolest and most prolific

conspiracy theorists of our time. ...Or I will be once I finish

college.

You should feel honored to have read my profile.

Recently commented on:

Just released: Teaser for Guido's AHM Soundwave Toy Design

Is moot Falling Down on the Job?

Facebook Being Bought by Google

Guiz, read my ttly kool fanfic!!!11!!1

Revisiting: William Shatner on SNL

Nothing that looks very interesting, but of course you have to open a couple of them anyway. Joy.

And speak of the devil, up pops an IM box.

LordLeo: Yo! How many chicks did ya pick up in class today?

TimeBender: Ha ha, very funny. For your information, I found three girls that might work just now.

LordLeo: Yeah, sure. I'm gonna win this bet and you know it.

TimeBender: Thanks for the vote of confidence. I really appreciate it.

LordLeo: Hey, look. I'm not saying you'll never find the right girl. I'm just saying it won't happen before Valentine's Day.

TimeBender: You never know, okay? Anything could happen.

LordLeo: Your optimism is painful. Listen, I'll see you on the forums, alright?

TimeBender: Okay. Later.

LordLeo has disconnected.

What an enlightening conversation. Really. Is it necessary to talk to him so often? ...His nature is very Kreature-like. Yes, with a K. I am talking about the Harry Potter character. He's just like that.

...And even though I've already endured all the idiocy I should have to in one day, you're going to keep torturing me. Fine. At least you're only looking at the Zombie Apocalypse one, the one forum Leo isn't on. I never thought I'd be so appreciative of his conspiracy theories.

This one is significantly less useful than the general geek one. It's chock-full of the worst kind of geeks there are—the ones that have lives, and families. A lot of them are at least five years older than you, are out of school, and just choose to contribute some of their extensive brainpower to figure out logical solutions to everyday problems when faced with the event of a zombie apocalypse.

And, why are you surprised that nothing new has happened since last time you checked? Not much can happens in four hours. Plus everyone else who could be posting is probably out with their girlfriends/wives. Poor you. And really, the only interesting thing I've seen on that forum lately was the debate about the usefulness of airships last week. Face it: this forum is dying. The geeky successful guys are moving on. You should too.

Popup. You know, you've got a test in American Literature tomorrow, right? I know I don't have to remind you that that's your worst subject. It is pretty useless, but it's a necessary evil, right? You really should let me get some rest and go study. Or, even better, you could start Transformers for me, then go study.

...No? Fine, just turn me off. I don't care. No, really, I'm fine. I will be, anyway. Eventually. I mean it. Absolutely fine...

Powering off.

Beepbeepbeep.

...wha? —What happened? Where am I?

...Oh. I've been turned on.

Login screen. Tell me, young padawan. What exciting thing has happened to you today? What reason do we have now to celebrate? Did you do well on your test? Buy a Limited Edition Star Trek action figure? Find your lucky Superman/Batman underwear?

Display desktop, open AIM, login to World of Warcraft, open 13 tabs in Firefox. ...Wait a minute. You actually do look pretty happy. Now I'm worried. Something crazy must have happened. The Liberal Arts building went up in flames. Someone assassinated Michael Bay.

…

…..No.

….............No way.

Are you serious? One of those girls you messaged yesterday actually wants to meet you?!? And the one that looked the least like a prostitute, too. What's wrong with her? Is she sick? Is she on the run from the police and looking for a place to stay? ...Is she a Russian spy?

…...Okay, I'll calm down now. For the moment. Just let it be known that I am very suspicious.

So, she wants to meet up with you tomorrow at a coffee shop. How quaint. I'll bet she actually drinks coffee, too. What are you going to do? Order coffee, too, and pretend to be something you're not? Or get a soda—or better, a Hi-C—and make her think you're even more childish than you look? Tough one, huh?

And, of course, now that you've gotten this momentous and completely unforeseen news, the first thing you're going to do is tell Leo...

TimeBender: Hey, I really look forward to collecting my winnings.

LordLeo: You're kidding. Please tell me you're not serious.

TimeBender: Sadly for you, I'm completely serious. One of the girls I found yesterday wants to meet up with me tomorrow.

LordLeo: I can't believe this. Are you sure you didn't just buy a robot girlfriend just so you could win the bet? You're tricking me, right?

TimeBender: Only Bill Gates has that much money, and he doesn't need robots to pleasure himself.

LordLeo: I don't know, the guy might have some freaky fetishes... But anyway. As your best friend I'm required to congratulate you on your catch. Good work, bro.

TimeBender: Thank you. I appreciate it.

LordLeo: I know you do, because I'm better than you. Where're you going?

TimeBender: I'm going to ignore that first comment. We're going to a little cafe just off campus.

LordLeo: Haha, a cafe? Like, a real one or a Starbucks?

TimeBender: A real one.

LordLeo: That's rich. You, at a real-live classy cafe. Did this girl bother to read your profile at all, or did you just lie on it?

TimeBender: You're so supportive. And jealous, because I have a girlfriend.

LordLeo: Hey, I'm just trying to determine whether it'll work out or not. From what I've heard so far, the future doesn't seem bright.

TimeBender: Shut up, you don't know anything about relationships. Anyway, I've gotta go. There's goblins that need slaying.

LordLeo: Same. Dragon's Cove?

TimeBender: See you there.

LordLeo has disconnected.

...Was that the planning of a man-date I just witnessed? How unpleasant.

Anyway, it physically wounds me to say this, but I have to agree with Leo. You don't have such a great track record when it comes to female companionship. Now, I know that me pointing this out isn't going to dissuade you from attempting to find a girlfriend in any way, I'm just saying that you shouldn't get your hopes up too much. Or at all, really.

As a side note, I still don't get why you have to talk to him every day. It should be a law that you can't talk to anyone on the internet who lives outside of your own state. That would solve the problem. I'd rather take a vinegar bath than go through this daily torture.

...So you weren't trying to ditch Leo by saying you would meet him in World of Warcraft, which is what I would have done. I guess I should focus my memory on letting you play so you don't get mad and throw something at me when you die because of slow graphics.

Beepbeepbeep.

...wha? —What happened? Where am I?

...Oh. I've been turned on.

Login screen. You know, sometimes I wish you'd just put me into hibernate at the end of the day. Sometimes. Turning on is a hassle.

Display desktop, open AIM, open 10 tabs in Firefox, login to World of Warcraft. Oh? Goodness me, what's this? You look like you just got attacked by a swarm of ducks. Gee. I wonder what the cause could be...

No. You don't have to tell me, really. I can tell you're upset, so I'll just leave you alone. Ha. Haha. Yes, that's right, get Leo on the webcam so you can rant about how horribly your day went...

“Hey, man, how's it goin'?” Leo asks with a smile. He obviously isn't really paying much attention to your window. Or maybe he was just expecting this, like I was.

“Horrible,” you reply, sounding like a kicked puppy. Poor baby.

“Oh really? Why's that?” Leo asks, still smiling.

“My date sucked,” you admit. You really do look miserable.

Leo pretends to looks surprised. “Really? I'm sorry! I was really hoping that would go well for you.” I can't even tell if he's just a bad actor or trying (and failing) to be sarcastic. And I'm the king of sarcasm.

“Shut up,” you say. You've caught on, too, I see.

Leo allows himself to laugh for a minute, you staring him down all the while, before he calms down. “Heh. Sorry, mate. You can't say I didn't warn you, though.”

You just pout. “For once, it could have gone right. Just once,” you complain.

“But, it didn't,” Leo says in an overly cheerful tone. “So, the only thing you can do now is to keep going and hope for better luck next time, right?”

You sigh, probably not wanting to admit that he's right. I don't blame you. “I guess,” you mutter.

“Good! Now that we've gotten that out of the way, please, feel free to tell me why exactly your date was such a disaster.” He's probably been waiting for this part all day. If I had been left on, I would have been, too.

“Well, it started out okay,” you begin. “She seemed like she was pretty cool. We talked about a bunch of stuff.”

“Then...?” Leo asks, leaning forward in his chair slightly.

“...Then she told me she was a drug addict with a four-year-old daughter looking to get married to someone in a promising field so she wouldn't have to worry about a job ever again,” you said miserably. “And from some of what she said it sort of sounded like she wouldn't have been opposed to killing her husband to get his money.”

Leo bursts into laughter again. “Thank you for being so supportive,” you frown pointedly.

“Hey,” Leo says to defend himself. “It's not like I'm happy this happened or anything. But to be honest, it could have been a lot worse.”

You look a little bit less pitiful than you did a minute ago. “How's that?” you ask.

“Well,” Leo says with a smirk, “if you think about it, there was a good chance that there was no girl at all, and it was really a lonely old guy.”

“...I hadn't thought of that,” you say, looking worried. Hah. I almost wish it had been a lonely old guy. Then, at least, you'd quit using those stupid dating websites.

“There ya go,” Leo says triumphantly, leaning back with his hands behind his head. “Feel better?”

You pause. “No, not really,” you finally say. So hard to please. “I still had a really crumby date, and now he chances of me getting a girlfriend by Valentine's Day are practically nil.”

“Um, hate to break this to you, but they were always nil. But enough of that! I know exactly what would cheer you up.”

“...what?” you ask cautiously. Oh, I hope he says something like suicide.

“Roleplaying! You've been so caught up in all of this date stuff that you've been neglecting your sacred duty as a special member of The Dragon Cage,” he says, looking serious. Or, trying to, anyway.

You sigh. “Yeah, I know. I feel bad.” I don't see why. They can't really blame you for not wanting to spend more time with losers than you already do.

“Well, you know, the best way to fix that is to get on and roleplay. Now go. This instant,” Leo orders.

“Fine,” you say. Seriously? You're going to do what he says? You're doomed now, you know. He'll boss you around forever, and neither of you will be able to get girlfriends so you'll have to spend more time together than necessary, and you'll end up being roommates. Then one day he'll come home with some drugs that he got for “free,” and since you always do what he says you'll try them, and three months later you'll be covered in tattoos and piercings and dead on the side of the road because you couldn't pay up in time. I've seen the movies. I know how this one ends.

And off we go to last of your regular forums, the one that's your favorite and my least favorite. If you ask me, roleplaying is one of the biggest wastes of time there is. If you want to write, go write a novel. If you crave stories, read a comic book. If you want some social interaction, here's an idea: go outside and talk to someone!

Anyway, have I mentioned that all your friends are boring? I think I have. This is one of the problems with roleplaying. I mean, you're some elf archer or something and you do nothing, basically. I know you've got your clan of Lord of the Rings wannabes, but really. I just don't get how you find entertainment in this.

You really don't need me right now. Why don't you put on Transformers so I can watch it while you do your little game thing? ...No? Are you sure?

Fine. I'll be hibernating if you need me.

Beepbeepbeep.

...wha? —What happened? Where am I?

...Oh. I've been turned on.

Login screen. You know, I've been thinking. A lot of people have made mods to their computers. Even physical mods. I bet you could figure out how to give me a movable form somehow. Wouldn't that be cool? As long as you don't even consider doing an 'easy' mod instead and making me look like any of that Steampunk crap. No thank you.

Display desktop, start AIM, run virus scanner, open 8 tabs in Firefox. ...Hold on a minute. For someone who was heartbroken yesterday, you're looking awfully...cheerful. What in Primus' name happened? Did someone blow up the Apple Store? Please tell me someone blew up the Apple Store. That'd teach those darn Macintosh lovers.

...Okay, no one blew up the Apple Store. Then what did happen? I honestly can't think of anything else that would improve your mood so drastically besides that. But, I'm assuming I'll know soon enough. Although sometimes I wish you'd just talk to me. That way Leo wouldn't have to get involved at all. Both of our lives would be so much better! But alas, you are just a poor, small-minded, loser college student who can't comprehend the more important things in life.

Oh, look, here we are at the roleplaying forum again. Didn't you have enough of this yesterday? ...Apparently not. At least you're looking at the out-of-character board. That is where all the losers act like the losers they really are instead of pretending to be other losers.

… “What are your Valentine's Day Plans?” Really? Isn't Valentine's Day the taboo word among geeks? Like Candlejack? Why would they be as—

…

...Haha. Got you.

Anyway. Why would they be asking about your Valentine's Day plans? I can only think of three reasons. They want to wallow in self-pity with other self-pity wallowers, the have nothing else to talk about, or they're secretly stalking all of you and they want to know exactly where you'll be and when so they can kill you.

SwishSwish

Assassin's Daughter

Joined: 9/13/2001

Posts: 2,436

5:30 PM

Hey, everyone! It's that time of year again! I know you've all got virtual valentines to send me on the 14^th! ;D

Just out of curiosity, what are all of you doing for Valentine's Day? Don't worry, there's no shame in not having a date lined up for the big night. It's perfectly acceptable to spend it right here!

I personally will be spending part of the night at an Anti-Valentine's Day party with some girlfriends, but after I get back I'm free if anyone wants to schedule a chatroom.

I hope you all have a great day regardless of what you're doing! ♥

DemonDutchess

Gravekeeper

Joined: 2/3/2004

Posts: 998

5:41 PM

A chatroom sounds like a lot of fun, Swishy! I'll definitely be there!

I don't celebrate Valentine's Day, so I'm not going to be doing anything special. :]

Seeker

I am.

Joined: 4/12/2003

Posts: 1,234

5:49 PM

I might miss part of the chatroom, but I'll try to catch as much of it as I can!

I'm just going out drinking with a couple of friends, nothing fancy. Us singles gotta stick together, right? :D

CentaurCenturion

Swordmaster

Joined: 7/1/2006

Posts: 860

6:01 PM

I'll be there, Swishy! Ready to send you some virtual lovin'~ ;]

Wow. I had no idea there were females on this forum. I guess I just never paid enough attention. Maybe that's why you spend so much time here... Well, go ahead, type your reply. Tell them that you'll be here because you're too much of a loser to get a date. I'm sure they'll understand.

…..........wait, what?!

TimeBender

Master of Time

Joined: 6/6/2006

Posts: 819

6:20 PM

A chatroom does sound fun! But, I'm not sure I'll be able to go.

See, I met this girl while I was out with some friends today, and we really sort of clicked. We've agreed to meet again tomorrow. I've got a really good feeling that she'd be willing to go out with me on Valentine's Day.

So, if I'm not able to be here, just know that it's for a good cause and have fun without me!

...You've got to be joking. You're not serious, are you? You're just trying to make yourself look better than them, right? Since when do you meet people on group outings and click with them? Never, that's when. Are you sure this girl is for real, and not someone who's just using you to do her homework again?

...Okay, fine. I just hope you know that I'm definitely not convinced.

Oh hey, someone's replied already.

SwishSwish

Assassin's Daughter

Joined: 9/13/2001

2,437

6:24

That's awesome-possum-sauce, Bender! I'm so happy you've been able to find a nice girl! I hope it goes well for you, but know that we'll miss you! ♥

Aww, how sweet. They actually care. Obviously they have no idea what you're really like, or they'd be marveling over how unlikely this is and questioning whether you were just imagining her. Like I am.

CentaurCenturion

Swordmaster

Joined: 7/1/2006

Posts: 861

6:29 PM

Wait, wait, what?!

When did you go out with friends that had girls around? And how exactly did she decide that it would be cool to meet you again?! This is ridiculous!

...Are you even telling the truth?

See, at least Leo knows you well.

TimeBender

Master of Time

Joined: 6/6/2006

Posts: 820

6:32 PM

A guy in my Calc II class invited me to go with him and a group of friends to 5 Guys, and there ended up being some girls there. Yes I'm telling the truth. Is it really that hard to believe?

Haha. You're funny, you know.

SwishSwish

Assassin's Daughter

Joined: 9/13/2001

Posts: 1,438

6:34 PM

Oh, come on, Leo! You should be happy for him! Don't be so harsh.

...Oh, I get it. You two probably made a bet, hm? Looks like you just lost, Leo! :P

Maybe she knows you better than I thought.

CentaurCenturion

Swordmaster

Joined: 7/1/2006

Posts: 862

6:37 PM

If you've known him for as long as I have, you'd understand. This has never happened. Not in high school and not since. It's ridiculous. And to happen so close to Valentine's Day is definitely suspicious, bets or not.

And yes, Bender, it is hard to believe. Pics or it didn't happen.

TimeBender

Master of Time

Joined: 6/6/2006

Posts: 821

6:38 PM

I don't have any pictures of her; I just met her today! Good grief. I'd send you her Facebook page but you'd just say that I found a random hot girl to link you to.

SwishSwish

Assassin's Daughter

Joined: 9/13/2001

Posts: 1,439

6:39 PM

...Has this happened before, Bender?

CentaurCenturion

Swordmaster

Joined: 7/1/2006

Posts: 863

6:42 PM

You know me too well.

Actually, Swishy, it has. Once in our senior year of high school a desperate girl asked him to go to prom with her, and her pictures were so unbelievable on her profile that I didn't actually believe it until she put up pictures of them the next day.

But anyway. This is crazy and unbelievable and I hope you know I'm weeping inside for my Flash collection. Then again, there's always a chance that this could still go south...

SwishSwish

Assassin's Daughter

Joined: 9/13/2001

Posts: 1,440

6:45 PM

You bet your Flash collection? Wow, Bender, you're a very lucky man! ;D

But still, that's a horrible thing to wish on your friend, Leo.

TimeBender

Master of Time

Joined: 6/6/2006

Posts: 822

6:48 PM

Thank you, Swishy. I am looking forward to collecting. :]

But, I should probably go now. I need to be able to actually get up tomorrow morning to get ready, so. I can't stay up too late. Talk to you both later!

As exciting as that conversation was, I'll have to agree with you. The sooner you turn me off the sooner you can turn me back on tomorrow to weep about how your date went horribly awry. Again.

Powering off.

Beepbeepbeep.

...wha? —What happened? Where am I?

...Oh. I've been turned on.

Login screen. So, I guess I'm inclined to ask how your date went. Judging from the fact that you're not bawling your eyes out I'd say that's a pretty good indicator that it was alright, but—

—Wait. Waitwaitwait.

….........Wait.

This can't be right. Can't be. According to my settings it's February 13^th. But that means...you didn't turn me on at all yesterday.

...That's impossible! You haven't kept me turned off for more than 24 hours since you bought me! This is just a malfunction, right? A virus?

…...Okay, not a virus, unless it's supremely sneaky and only wants to throw off my sense of time and/or wait until I'm disoriented to strike. I'd better keep a lookout just in case...

But, really! This is for real, isn't it? You actually didn't turn me on yesterday. What happened? Did you get hit by a train? Kidnapped? I just don't see a valid explanation here. And more likely than not, you don't have a valid explanation.

...Alright, alright, I'll stop being glitchy, but I reserve the right to start again at any given moment.

Display desktop, start AIM, open 6 tabs in Firefox. You look way too cheerful, you know.

TimeBender: I have the most awesome news ever.

I seriously doubt that. The most awesome news ever would be something like, Steven Spieldberg will be directing the next Transformers movie and that Michael Bay was fired, or someone invented a way to bring brains back to life and are working on resurrecting the founding fathers. That would be the most awesome news ever. Not whatever you're going to say.

...Yes, I'm going to be holding a grudge for a while.

LordLeo: You live! I thought you'd gotten involved in a mafia scandal or something! Where were you yesterday?

TimeBender: Out with my new girlfriend~ ;]

LordLeo: ...You've gotta be joking. You mean you spent all day yesterday with a girl you only met two days ago?!

TimeBender: Yep! We were just gonna have lunch, but then we visited a bookstore, and before we knew it it was really late. And when I got home I went to bed, so.

LordLeo: Dude...that is pathetic.

TimeBender: How is it pathetic? I've got a girlfriend and you don't! Haha. Better get that Flash collection ready to be mailed.

LordLeo: Haha no. I'm not giving them to you until I actually meet this girl.

TimeBender: You're such a sore loser! Just face it. I've got a really amazing girlfriend (who plays Portal) who I'll be going out with on Valentine's Day and you lost the bet.

LordLeo: Woah woah woah! She plays Portal?

TimeBender: ...Didn't I tell you about that? That's how we started talking in the first place.

LordLeo: No, you did not tell me about that. Alright, listen to me and listen good: Do not lose this girl. Not even if it kills you. Not even if she likes the fifth Star Trek movie. Not even if she has seven evil exes! You will never get this lucky ever again in your miserable life. Don't screw it up.

TimeBender: Um... I wasn't planning on screwing it up, but thanks for the advice.

LordLeo: Anytime. Now, since you were gone yesterday and you'll be gone tomorrow, we need to play the quest of the week on World of Warcraft now, okay?

TimeBender: Yeah, okay. See you there.

LordLeo has disconnected.

...Now I don't know what to think. I'm simply awestruck. The chances of you meeting a girl within a 50-mile radius that plays Portal and is attractive, and actually likes you on top of that, are so minuscule that I'm not even going to bother to calculate them. I still can't help but wonder whether this is all an elaborate plot.

….......Oh, darn. This probably means I won't get to watch Transformers in a long time, does it? Great. Just...great.

Please know that when World of Warcraft freezes up, that was me.

Beepbeepbeep.

...wha? —What happened? Where am I?

...Oh. I've been turned on.

Login screen. …......You know, I'm almost scared to wonder how your big date today went. Why are you even turning me on? It's still Valentine's Day. Shouldn't you still be spending time with whatever-her-name-is?

...Yes I'm still holding a grudge, thanks for asking.

Display desktop, open Facebook on Firefox. Seriously? Facebook? That's it? What, are you rushing to set your status as 'in a relationship'? Lame.

Pop!

Ally

I had such a great time today!

You

Me too! :]

So, um... Wanna catch a movie after class tomorrow? Captain America just came out.

Ally

I'd love to! ♥

...I think I'm going to be sick.

2011-02-03T03:29:00.000-08:00

Knock knock.

“Who's there?”

“Doctor Robinson.”

“Doctor Robinson who?”

Noah sighed and pushed the door open with one hand, balancing the food tray on the other. “I brought your dinner,” he said, walking over to the bed and setting the tray on the bedside table.

“...I don't get it. That's not a very funny joke,” Lenny said with a frown, but quickly forgot what he was saying in favor of examining his food. “Yummy! Play-dough!”

“Those are mashed potatoes,” the doctor told him, checking the patient's chart. He scanned through all the details—his diagnosis, health history, his scheduled transferral to a bigger hospital in the next town—before his eyes rested on the medication information. “Let's see... On your modified dosage you'll need another dose of medicine at six in the morning.”

The patient nodded, not really hearing what he was saying. Instead he was intently looking at the fork in his hand. “I like this,” he said after a while. “Do they come in orange?”

“No. Is there anything else you need, Mr. Berkley?” Noah asked, eager to leave the room. He wasn't keen on listening to the technically high patient any longer than necessary. As he well knew, Lenny could get much crazier than requesting orange forks.

“Berkley?” he asked, grinning. “If you wanna help me, call me by my name! Meatloaf!”

Noah stared at him for a moment before deciding it was best to humor the patient. “...Right. I'll be back to check on you later, then, Meatloaf.” He waited for a nod in reply before leaving the room and heading back to the make-shift center of operations.

The need for a nurses' station was, for the moment, nonexistent, since there were no nurses on call the night of December 31^st, 1997. For that matter, there were only two doctors in the whole hospital, plus an intern. Two doctors and an intern to take care of four patients on new years eve. There were less patients than most doctors had alone in the hospitals of bigger cities, but it still made Noah uneasy. There could be an accident somewhere around town, and there wouldn't be enough of them to get to everyone in time. The nurses' station was where the three of them had set up for the night, because it was closest to the patients' rooms and gave them a fairly good view of the entrance door. For the most part, they didn't have time to keep someone standing watch at the door, so they settled for just being able to see it if they looked.

As Noah came to the 'base' as Cynthia lovingly called it, the first thing that he noticed was that the small TV that was mounted on the wall was on, and their intern was sitting in an office chair, watching something.

“Don't go away,” the TV blared, “because right after these commercials we're bringing you all your favorite artists and bands performing live to welcome in the new year!”

“Why are you watching that?” Noah asked, causing the intern to jump and swivel around in her chair.

“D-doctor Robinson! I—I'm sorry, I was on break, and...” Lisa paused, taking a deep breath. “I thought maybe it would be nice if the patients could watch the ball drop.”

Noah didn't hesitate. “I'll think about it,” he said, but it was obvious by his tone that he wasn't keen on the idea. “In the meantime, Mr. Johnson needs to be checked on.”

She nodded and hurried down the hall to the old man's room without another word. Just as she left, another woman breezed in.

“Good grief, Noah,” Cynthia scolded. “Could you at least try not to scare off our only intern?”

Noah pretended not to hear her, preferring instead to check a certain patient's file for the 15^th time that night. When Cynthia noticed what he was doing, her gaze softened slightly. “Looking at that again isn't going to change anything,” she told him. He just sighed, putting it away again.

Esther Smith had been a long-time patient of the hospital, and they had just had to break the news to her that she had cancer. She didn't have any insurance, and was a single mother of a nine-year-old boy that had to stay in the hospital with her because he had no one else to take care of him. She was sort of the favorite patient of most if not all of the doctors, because she was so kind and calm, an everyone wanted to help her recover in any way possible. What most of them didn't want to accept was that there might not be any way for them to help.

“Lisa is checking on Mr. Johnson, and I just gave Lenny his meal and pills,” Noah said, changing the subject. “Who do you want to check on?” There were only two patients left.

Cynthia smiled. “Just because I think you need practice dealing with teenage girls, I think I'll go check on Esther,” she said smugly.

“Oh, thank you. So much,” Noah said sarcastically. He picked up the girl's chart and walked down the hall to a room with a nameplate that said “Darcy Ingram”.

Seven miles away, a man in a black coat was walking down a country highway, alone, in the dark. If it hadn't been so dark and someone had been around to watch the man, they would have seen a look of defiance on his face, or maybe it was closer to contempt. He was clenching and unclenching one of his hands, and there was a small trail of blood running down a couple of his fingers, dripping off the tips and making a small, barely-noticeable trail behind him on the pavement.

If it hadn't been so dark, and someone had been around to see for how long the trail of blood went on, they would know that the man had been walking for five miles already, the same expression on his face and the same blood running down his fingers. When they came to the end, though, they wouldn't find any clues as to where the man had come from, or why he was bleeding. They would find that the trail just stops. Nothing would look out of place; it would just look like any other country highway, and yet there would be something wrong, something that they wouldn't be able to put their finger on.

Maybe then, if it hadn't been so dark, and if there was someone around to puzzle about the problem, they would realize that the highway was completely empty, except for the man with blood dripping off his fingers five miles away, walking with a determined expression on his face.

“Hello, Darcy. How are you feeling?”

The girl the question had been directed at ignored him, instead continuing to stare out the window with a forlorn expression. There was something wrong with the looks of her; she was a pretty girl, with long, chestnut brown hair and big dark eyes. The average person wouldn't have noticed, though; instead, their eyes would have been drawn straight to the ugly scars on her neck.

“...Hello? Do I get any acknowledgement?” Noah asked after a moment, looking hard at the girl. Finally, she turned her head to face him.

“Hello, Dr. Robinson,” she said, her voice a little bit raspy. “Can I help you with something?”

“I brought you a snack, since you didn't eat dinner,” he told her, setting a small tray on her bedside table. On it was an assortment of things: a small bag of cookies, a glass of juice, a cup of yogurt and a spoon, an orange, a ziplock bag of pretzels, and some carrots and ranch dressing.

“I'm still not hungry,” she told him quietly, her eyes diverting to her lap.

“You need to eat, Darcy,” he told her, his voice carrying a borderline stern edge in it. “You know that.”

“But I'm just not hungry,” she said again, looking up at him with pleading eyes.

“Then try to eat anyway.” He paused, sighing. “You don't want us to have to feed you through a tube again, do you? Eating voluntarily is a much more pleasant way to go, don't you think?”

Darcy looked back down at her lap again, not saying anything for quite a while. He used the time to look her over again. She didn't look like she had tried anything since the last time he had seen her. There were small scars on her wrist and up the inside of her arm, a couple of burn marks on her fingers, and, of course, the slowly healing marks on her neck. Nothing new.

“I guess I'll try to eat,” she eventually said, but didn't sound happy about it. Noah was willing to take anything he could get.

“Good. Don't try to go too fast, but see how much you can handle,” he instructed. She nodded and slowly picked up the cup of yogurt and the spoon, opened it up, and began eating. Satisfied, Noah decided it was safe to leave.

“Is there anything else you think you'll need for a while?” he asked.

She stopped moving for a moment to think. “...It's New Years' Eve, right?”

“Yes,” he nodded.

“...Are we going to watch the ball drop?” she asked hesitantly. “I mean... Well, we always used to at home...”

Her inquiry caught Noah off-guard. “Er... I'm not sure,” he answered. He hadn't planned on it when Lisa had asked, but now he had to wonder whether that would be the best thing for all the patients. None of them had TVs in their rooms; the closest TV in the hospital was at the nurses' station, where the intern had been watching the news. “I'll talk to Dr. Gardner and let you know, okay?”

Darcy nodded and went back to her yogurt, and Noah took his leave, now deep in thought.

It wouldn't be that bad to get all the patients around the TV for a few minutes, would it? There were only four of them, plus a 9-year-old child; it wouldn't be terribly difficult. It just seemed like an odd thing to do. He had always done things by the book, never thinking to do anything in a way that was different than anyone that had come before him. But now, there he was, almost completely in charge of a small group of people. Would it be in everyone's best interest to go through the trouble of letting everyone watch the ball drop?

Just as he was getting into his mental quandary, a serious-looking Cynthia snapped him out of his thoughts. “What's wrong?” he asked, his mind immediately jumping to the worry that something had happened to Esther.

“I just got a call from 911,” she told him. “There's a woman going into labor in town, and they don't have a car to drive here. I'm going to have to go to their house and deliver the baby there.”

Noah sighed. “Wonderful. So it'll just be me for the rest of the night, then?”

“Most of it, anyway,” she confirmed. “And, look on the bright side: what if I didn't have the training to help this woman in labor? We'd have a big problem.”

“Sure,” he answered, not really feeling like looking on the bright side.

“Anyway. How was Darcy? Did you get her to eat?” Cynthia asked.

Noah nodded. “When I left she was eating yogurt, and she said she'd try to eat as much as she could.”

Cynthia grinned. “That's great! See, Noah? You're not so bad with patients after all. Oh, I got the call right after you left and I've been putting together some things to take with me ever since, so you get to check on Esther, too.”

Noah nodded. “Are you sure you'll be okay out there?” he asked.

An amused look spread across her face. “Please! I grew up on a farm; I can't even count the number of nights I stayed up helping my dad with livestock giving birth. This is basically the same thing.” She paused, smirking. “In fact, I'd be more worried about you being able to hold down the fort around here. But, I guess I shouldn't worry. You've got Lisa to help you, and no one is in a dire state or anything.”

“That's true, I guess,” Noah agreed reluctantly.

“Well, I'd better go. Have fun around here,” she said, picking up her bag of things she would be needing, and headed out the door.

“Yeah,” he said under his breath once she had gone. “Fun.”

Lisa came out of Mr. Johnson's room and quickly made her way to the nurses' station, looking slightly alarmed. She looked around for a minute, spotting only Noah sitting in an office chair, rummaging through some papers. “...Where's Cynthia?” she asked.

“She had to leave,” he answered, not looking up. “Someone called with a woman in labor, so she went to help them. You're stuck with me for the rest of the night.” He paused and, looking up, noticed her expression. “What's wrong?”

“Just that... Well, Mr. Johnson wants to talk about his medication again. I think he's trying to leave as soon as possible...” she told him.

Noah sighed. The old man had never been very easy to deal with, and it had gotten even worse now that his health was steadily declining. “I'll go talk to him,” he said, setting the papers down. As he got up he gave her some instructions. “Would you mind getting a tray of snack food for me? I've got a feeling John will be asking for it before the night is over.”

Lisa nodded and hurried off to the small kitchen while Noah went in the opposite direction, heading to Gus Johnson's door.

“It's about time,” Mr. Johnson said as soon as he saw who had walked in the door. “I've been trying to get that girl to let me talk to a real doctor for 20 minutes! Why is she here again?”

“She's an intern,” Noah explained for the third time at least since the man had arrived the day before. “She's learning about being a doctor at our hospital, and does things like run errands for us so that we can focus on more important tasks.”

“Well, she shouldn't keep me from my right to see my doctor,” he huffed.

“I'm sorry you felt like she was doing that. I'll talk to her,” Noah lied. He was fairly certain Lisa was just trying to do her job and check up on him, while he was making things difficult by complaining. Talking to her wouldn't help anything. “So, what's the matter? Anything I can help with?”

“I want you to put me back on my old medication so I can leave,” he stated.

“You know we can't do that, Mr. Johnson,” Noah told him. “We took you off of the other medication because it would interfere with the stroke medication you're on now.”

“But I was doing just fine before you switched it! I want to go back to my old medication, and I want to leave.” Gus clenched his hands in frustration.

Noah sighed and paused for a moment. “I know you want to leave,” he said sympathetically. “I understand completely. But it's just not as simple as that. Going back to your old medication won't fix anything; it'll just make things worse, and then it'll take even longer for you to get out of here.”

The old man looked away, staring at the wall opposite his bed instead. He didn't like what he was hearing, Noah knew, but it was important that he knew. “Believe me, we're working as hard as we can to get you out of here and back home again,” he continued on. “What you can do to help us is cooperate with us and try to be patient.”

“...Fine,” Mr. Johnson grumbled, his gaze still diverted.

“Is there anything else you need?”

“No,” he shook his head. “You can leave now.”

Noah nodded and exited the room, leaving the old man to himself.

“Hello, Dr. Robinson,” Esther said with a smile as Noah walked in. “I was beginning to wonder if you'd fallen asleep.”

He shook his head. “Sorry; Cynthia had to go to town to help a woman in labor, so it's just Lisa and me for the rest of the night,” he explained apologetically.

Esther shook her head, still smiling. “Don't worry about it. I know you're busy.”

“...Yeah. I...” He paused, looking around. “Where's John?”

Just then a small figure jumped up from behind the bed and made a face at him. “There's no John here!” he exclaimed with a defiant look. On further inspection, Noah realized that he had scribbled a mustache under his nose with a pen and used water to make his hair stick straight up.

“Hello, John,” he said, ignoring the boy's exclamation. “I brought you some food, since you decided you didn't want to eat dinner.”

“My name isn't John!” he complained indignantly. “It's Hannibal!”

“You've been watching too much TV,” Noah replied simply, setting the tray down on the table and tossing the boy a bag of chips. He didn't complain, and sat down on his mother's bed to eat them hungrily.

“Thank you,” Esther said, watching her son fondly. “He was just saying he was hungry a few minutes ago.”

“Was not!” John interjected, pieces of chips spewing out of his mouth as he did so, but was ignored.

“It's nothing,” Noah told her. “...How are you feeling?”

“...Oh, fine, I suppose,” she answered, but he could tell that she was at least partially lying.

“If you need it, I can get you some medicine, I'm sure,” he said with a frown.

She shook her head quickly. “No, no! Nothing that serious, really. I'm just a little bit tired, that's all,” she said with a smile. He didn't try to return it. Sensing his discomfort, she quickly changed the subject. “You said Cynthia had to leave? That means you're in charge of the whole hospital. How does that feel?” she asked, still smiling.

“...It's okay, I guess. Not amazing,” he answered with a shrug.

“Oh? Most people love being in a position of power. What's wrong?” she questioned, hoping to get to the bottom of it.

“Well...” Noah trailed off. Was it right to dump his considerably insignificant problem on a patient? She had asked, he reminded himself, and she also might be able to help him figure out what to do. “Lisa and the attempted suicide patient, Darcy, both asked me if it would be okay to let the patients watch the ball drop on the TV at the nurses' station. At first I thought it was a bad idea, but now I don't know.”

Esther smiled understandingly. “I see. You're not sure it would be in the best interest of the patients to move everyone in there?” He nodded. “Well, would you like my advice?”

“I wouldn't be opposed to hearing it,” he said.

“Why don't you just ask everyone whether they want to watch the ball drop? If they don't, that's fine, and if they do, they should be able to,” she told him.

Noah turned over the simple plan in his mind. “That would probably be the best thing to do,” he admitted. If Mr. Johnson was any indication, people didn't like it when their fate wasn't in their own hands, even if it was in such a small way. “Out of curiosity, do you want to watch the ball drop?” he asked, somewhat sheepishly.

Esther's eyes twinkled. “I think it would be lovely,” she said with a grin.

Just then, someone knocked frantically on the door, and Lisa let herself in without waiting for an answer. “Dr. Robinson,” she began, looking shaken.

“What's wrong?” he asked sharply, wanting to know what was so bad that she couldn't have waited for him to get out.

“There's...there's a man here,” she told him. “His arm's really hurt, and he needs help, but...”

Noah suppressed a sigh and, with a quick glance at Esther, left the room. He walked down the hallway and found a strange man sitting in one of the chairs at the nurses' station. The man looked up as he entered and waved with his good arm.

“Hello,” he said, unsmiling.

Noah nodded. “Come with me,” he said.

By the time Noah had finished stitching and bandaging the man's arm, he was more than a little bit suspicious. He hadn't said a word besides telling his first name--”Reed”--and wouldn't say what had happened to get himself injured. This combined with the fact that his look and circumstances in themselves were suspicious meant that Noah was anxious to get him out of the hospital and back on his way to wherever it was he was going. Thankfully, Reed seemed to be thinking along the same lines of thought.

“Can I go now?” he asked once Noah had started cleaning up.

“There's nothing you need to say here for, anyway,” the doctor told him. “Your arm will be fine; you'll need to go to a hospital and have the stitches removed in a few weeks, but there's no reason for you to stay here.”

“...You're really going to let him leave?” Lisa asked cautiously from the doorway. Both men turned to look at her.

“Why wouldn't I?” Noah asked.

“Well... It's the middle of the night on new years eve,” she pointed out. “Wouldn't it be best if we just let him stay here for the rest of the night?”

Noah frowned. He really didn't want the man here for the night, but he was required to let him stay if he wanted to. He turned to the man. “Well?”

Reed thought it over for a few moments. “I guess that couldn't hurt,” he finally said.

Lisa smiled. “I'll get a room ready for you, then,” she said, and quickly left the room.

Noah paused to look over the man again. Maybe he was overreacting, he thought. Just being paranoid. “If you need anything just find me or Lisa,” he said, putting his instruments back in a drawer.

The man nodded. “I'll do that.”

Noah walked to the door, then stopped. After a moment's deliberation, he turned. “Also, some of the patients will be watching the ball drop at midnight, if you'd like to join us,” he said, then left.

Half an hour later, Esther, Darcy, and Lisa were sitting on office chairs in the nurses' station, half talking and half watching the TV, waiting for the program to start. They all looked very relaxed, Noah noted as he walked by, and sincerely wished he could say the same for himself. He was having to deal with getting the other patients, Mr. Johnson and Lenny, out of their rooms safely. This wouldn't have been such a big deal if John hadn't been following him around everywhere, touching everything he could get his hands on and claiming to be disguised as a French chef, complete with the horrible accent.

Finally having gotten Mr. Johnson into a wheelchair, he pushed the old man out into the hallway and positioned him next to Esther, where he could see the TV well enough. Esther smiled as they approached.

“Do you think Mr. Reed will be coming?” she asked.

Noah shrugged. “I invited him, but I don't know if he will or not.”

Esther's eyes sparkled. “Really? I'm proud of you! I didn't think you'd like him,” she said smugly.

“I don't like him,” Noah said. “But, I sort of didn't have a choice.”

“Oh, come on,” the woman said, still smiling. “He didn't seem so bad. I had a little chat with him earlier. He seemed like a real honest-to-goodness guy.”

Noah arched an eyebrow. “When did you talk to him” he asked.

“About fifteen minutes ago, John was playing outside my room and ran into him, so he brought him inside,” she said.

Noah sighed. That child would probably talk to a serial killer without a second thought. “Well, I'm glad you like him,” he said. “I'll be back in a minute; I've gotta get Lenny out of bed. Hopefully he won't hurt himself on the way.”

“Have fun,” Esther said with a knowing smile.

Not bothering to knock this time, Noah opened the door to the intoxicated patient's room and went inside. He found the man, silverware in hand, 'flying' them through the air in front of his head and making plane noises.

“Hello, Lenny,” he said, snapping the man out of his fantasizing.

“Meatloaf,” he reminded with a big grin.

“Right, right, Meatloaf. Sorry.”

“Don't worry about it, Bob!”

Noah ignored him. “Do you know what time it is, Meatloaf?” he asked.

“A quarter to blurred pixels?” Lenny took a stab in the dark.

“No, it's 11:25 on new years eve,” the doctor said. “The rest of the patients are going to be watching the news at midnight. If you're done making curious hand gestures, would you like to join them?”

“That sounds fun!” Lenny nodded.

After a couple of minutes of difficulty, Noah was able to get the intoxicated patient into a chair at the nurses' station without him falling and hurting himself, so he regarded that as a small victory. Now that everyone was there—everyone that he needed to help, anyway—he was able to join the rest of the patients, taking a seat between Esther and Lisa. Before he took the time to try to figure out what they were talking about, a figure at the end of the hallway caught his eye, and he watched as Reed waked in and sat down next to Mr. Johnson.

Esther greeted him with a smile. “I'm so glad you decided to join us, Reed!” she said. The man merely nodded, but she didn't seem to mind his lack of reply. She returned to her original conversation and left Reed to himself.

“You know, this is kind of cool,” Lisa said after a few minutes, grabbing the attention of everyone in the room. “Just, everyone together to watch TV. It's...awesome-possum-sauce.”

At least three heads turned to stare at her strangely. “...what?” Noah asked after a moment.

The girl blushed intensely. “Um... I'm sorry, I was just... I thought it was slang, that's all...” she said sheepishly, staring at the ground.

After a few long seconds ticked by, something unexpected happened. Darcy, who Noah hadn't even seen smile once, began to giggle. The others in the room couldn't help but smile with her.

“So, was it really so bad, Noah? Taking care of all of us by yourself?” Esther asked, smiling.

Noah paused before answering. “I guess not. It's not something I want to make a habit of, though.” It really hadn't been too bad, on reflection. Of course, if there had been a couple more patients he probably would have had a much harder time.

“Does anyone know where I can get some good moose meat?” Lenny asked suddenly.

John laughed. “Moose meat? That's gross!”

“What? Everyone eats moose meat on new years eve!” the intoxicated man laughed.

“The Canadians might,” Mr. Johnson pointed out, deciding to join the conversation. “But you're not Canadian, are you, Lenny?”

“No, I'm not. I'm Tibetan! And anyway, my name is meatloaf,” the man said for the third time that night.

John grinned. “Hey! My name is Hannibal, but people think it's John! We should be friends,” he said.

“Sshhhh, everyone, it's about to start,” Esther said, quieting everyone and directing all attention to the TV.

“And now, the time you've all been waiting for! It's one minute from midnight! The countdown is running, and here in Times Square excitement is mounting!”

All eyes were glued to the same spot as the red digits counted down from 60. Each person was lost in his or her own thoughts, but they were all somewhat similar. They thought about how their lives were going, what they had been through in the previous year, and what was happening next. Some were significantly more cheerful than others, but they all felt oddly close, if only for that one minute.

“Twenty seconds!”

Noah looked at the faces around him, wondering if he was happy for just a moment. He decided he probably was. He wasn't alone, after all. What else could someone ask for?

“Ten!”

All of a sudden tension started to be released as half the people in the room counted down with the people on the TV.

“Nine!”

“Eight!”

“Seven!”

“Six!”

“Five!”

“Four!”

“Three!”

“Two!”

“One!”

The hospital was oddly quiet the second the clock struck midnight, with the most noise coming from the TV. There were smiles all around, however, as the oddly mismatched patients greeted the new year together. Noah was silent for quite some time, before Esther was able to catch his eye.

“Happy new year,” she said with a big smile.

After a pause, he smiled back. “Happy new year.”